Poem - So I Became a Hero

So I Became a Hero Myself

I was born in a condemned domain

Buried in blank words and dyed obscenities

Exiled from surreality

And rescaled to negative me

Alive in a world decked in shades of lies

And crowded with body breaking banes

We learn to fight and die

Once kind hearts are suborned to war

I abandon every me in my life for loud disguise

My mind succumbs to the assaults of doubts

I wish for a wash for thoughtless words

A lozenge soap to pop into my deserving mouth

Lonely languishing leeches vitality

Overbeating renders my isolated heart numb

Petrified tissue in a brittle ivory cage

The strained muscle suffering fatigue

Make yesterday’s replay dissipate

Lying in your pool then the demise of your light

Alarms screaming my name

We were lost from each other

I forgot myself then I found myself turned around

I resolved to evolve

Take up the mask

Prove the day could end in my soul and restart in my heart

The end of a battle is a meaningless pause in my fight

Three words to direct my course

Every hero falls

So I rise and I rise again

You see me and I look you in your soul

I relinquish the disguise, no more faking

I am just another masked freak

Because I choose to be

So do not stop me

Just love me now and lose me later

Heroes never fall forever

We return ever again

Don't Break Bad Habits, Make Good Habits

What Failed

To break bad habits, I have tried promising myself rewards, snapping rubber bands and other common solutions. The rewards failed because I am an adult and I can reward myself any time I want. The snapping rubber bands failed because the action did not deter me or distract me long enough to be effective.

I figured out what worked for me

I obsess about silly things. I do things and sometimes I am unable to stop.  Sometimes, I fail to recognize I should stop. This self knowledge is essential to my ability to change myself.

Discipline is Good

For a long time, I have struggled to train bad habits out of my behavior. Recently, I concluded the key was not to train out the hated habits but to replace them with beneficial behaviors.

I focused on my most hated, self harming and embarrassing habit (I'm too embarrassed to identify it). In a few days, I trained it out of myself. Simple.

I love writing. It's my meditation. I don't love studying. So I got a list of words and memorized them. It's a mild self punishment to correct and change my pattern of behavior.

Years of struggling with this habit and it has been gone for weeks. I know what I have to do if the urge returns. I just need a list of words to combat any bad habit.

The Procedure

I wait for the thought to creep into my mind.

I immediately review a word.

If I slip and give into the habit, I review ten words.

Reviewing the list is still a habit. But it's not one I love. Reviewing the words distract me from the thought and the bad habit. Over the course of a couple weeks, the behavior has faded and I don't need to review the list as often.

Simple because it works for me.

Poem - Monsters Play

Monsters Play

Bleach drip clouds stain the sky

The sun falls into a coma

Stars bleed ink

Cozy beds call for occupation

Shadows glide over the streets

Buildings claw the heavens

Deceit lies behind civil edifices

The legion stirs beneath the asphalt

Monsters congregate for their games

Hearts flat line in alleys

The monsters play

We mobilize